This Year.

This year has been tough. You know, we all think at certain points in our life that we are all grown up and ready to face the world, but the truth is that we aren't. It's just like how the drunk don't proclaim they're drunk and only the attention-seeking high people do. I've always been under the idea that I grew the hell up this year compared to last year's roller coaster, but the fact is that i haven't. There is no simple way to put this except that it's not a knowledge- its a sort of realisation, an internalisation. You know when you're young, you put your focus and energy on all sorts of unimportant things that suck your time and strength. There are influences everywhere that give you the false idea that what we are doing is the right thing. Drama shows and television envisage the perfect romance in high school, they show the successful people as the ones with all the fame and popularity but the truth is that; the people who make it biggest in life is the ones that spend their life doing what is asked of them and more. The really successful people have their education path all planned and only when they're ready, they indulge in fun. You know like how I used to laugh at nerds and scoff at them for studying all the time? I regret. They're in every way,right.

We're young, we want romance, we want fun. Everybody can understand that. We're all young once but the thing is, what you enjoy now, you pay for later. Tts a give and take process, one in the purest form. I dont know if what im saying applies to the majority but for me, its true. I wasted my childhood trying to keep my friends close to me, to make myself popular, to make myself friends with everybody but it all back-fired on me. You know one thing i realise? Its that the best and simplest friendships evolve when you dont even put any effort in to make it happen. Maybe this is what people mean when they say

"you have to learn the hard way."

I did learn the hard way hough. Romance; another thing i wasted my childhood trying to perfect. The times i told myself that i wouldn't like someone, but i did. The number of times i wasted my life making opportunities happen so i can meet the perfect guy when in actual fact, i actually never really cared for the perfect guy. I never really cared about getting into a relationship even.

Maybe its time my priorities changed.

Focus on the small things and the big things will automatically fall in place.

i cant say i've grown up. i dare not say that. But i can definitely say that i'm going to change. Who i am now isn't the former me. i used to be nice and now i think i just suck. Lastly to end off, if you're still my friend even though you saw me at my worst, you must be damn stupid for putting up with me. But thankyou, for loving me through it all. :')

A.

Study.

12.19am Yes, I need to study. Currently, I'm waiting for my mum to come home so I can finally see her because ever since she has been on project Unleashed, I barely see her. Okay, fine. I'm making this way more dramatic than it really is but the thing is that I haven't seen her in only two days lol. Oh, and I have an emath paper tomorrow. Can I just cry and die now? Time-management. Do paper: 1.5 hours tomorrow then 30 min to sleep haha!

1.43am ok forget I give up waiting. My eyes super puffy now cause I just bawled like a baby watching some drama. Go watch mei le jia you leh! Mike He my favvv <3 Really, I'm going to sleep already.

2.36am Momma~~ Why you not coming home yet..... Okay nvm forget it. I am going to switch off my lights now. As in, NOW. Goodnight!

A.

Really quite dumb.

You know like a dumb facebook quiz can affect me so much just shows how important you are to me right. I really treated you like my friend, my best friend. When you were sad and you called me, I told my parents to drop me off at your house after dinner. I hurried them to eat faster so I can talk to you faster. I didn't have to; but I did, because you were important to me. When you were having troubles of all sorts, I tried my best to help. Even though the suggestions I gave were damn dumb and seriously of no use to anybody but then I made sure I made you laugh, I wanted you happy.

For a dumb reason like you were scared there were too many people on your best friend list so you did not include my name was really too much for me. It's not that I really want my name to appear on the list you know; but knowing me for four years, you should know that I'm really damn sensitive to these kind of stuff cause I have so many failed friendships that I really realise that I dont't have many friends. I'm so scared everybody will go away one day that I want all my friends just around me and not go away. Am I making sense?

I know I'm not a good friend sometimes because I make fun of you and I do crazy things that nobody can understand but then you know what I told you about the story of the shopkeeper? I already gave my 50% discount to you but then I realise that I'm not worth your 50% discount too.

It makes me feel like a really bad friend. And actually I don't care who is reading this, I just want to say everything out here. I really wanted to tell you on the phone just now but then later I'll sound like some loser.

It's okay actually, I'm just acting crazy again but I'll be fine soon :) I still love you very much as a friend and I hope I'll be good enough to earn that 1% so that I can be 100% too.
A.

Belong

Main Entry: belong
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: be part of, be in proper place

Why can't I belong anywhere? I'm not satisfied with my life now. There's no meaning to anything I do. Is this what they mean by living like you're dead? Because I certainly don't feel very alive right now.
A.

Recently.

I still haven't finished my real fake letter to chung cheng leh. I'll do it, soon. Recently I have a lot of stuff to say but I keep forgetting my train of thoughts because I'm living in a whirlpool of activity everyday. You know like instead of studying till I seriously cannot take it and vomit out contextual knowledge, I'm just immersing myself in tuition to force myself to study and then coming back home to watch shows and dramas and just not have to think. I really don't know how to study, I don't know where I want to go and it bothers me that I have 101 other important things to do besides sit down and memorise stuff or write something of significance down. I'll regret this, I know it. But at the same time I can't help it. Maybe I should quarantine myself, just move away to another house, another part of Singapore until I can figure what to do with myself then move back and face everybody. Maybe I should just migrate away because, I'm tired. Tired of being here. Has it ever happened to anybody else? Because if for such a small matter I were to feel alone then that would really suck. I don't care, I'm just going to pretend that many many other people are like me: aimless, lifeless and useless. Seriously, I don't want to be here anymore. But in actual fact, I think the problem lies with me? It's like wherever I go, trouble follows me. Basically, that's just it isn't it? I'm my own problem.

But I can't help but be, me.
A.

Birdy: The A Team.

Its too cold outside for angels to fly.

A.

The real fake open letter to Lo Chee Lin.

You know what I feel like doing? I feel like writing an open letter to Lo Chee Lin about my personal displeasure with this ridiculous school. If I did, this is probably how it would look like:

Dear, Mr Lo Chee Lin- Principal of CCHMS
Thankyou for being our principal and being an icon of significance albeit only showing your face at events that require you repeating your speech about "90% hard work and 10% talent" and your typical money-raising plans for upgrading the school that seems to be perfectly fine.

First of all, I admire your dedication to the school and even though I have never seen you do anything except plan speeches that get re-used year by year and try your best to inculcate the love for Chung Cheng, however, it is all to no avail. Let's start on the PRIME project. After about 9 months of dust and drilling, we get a rectangular block the construction people would like to call a 'building' and with only 2 floors, you expect to house CCH spectators, parents, teachers and partiipants. That is without counting the other participating school and the people that would turn up on days for the annual Wushu competition. The makeshift canteen on the first floor is shabbily put together and the upstairs basketball court is more than a waste of space. Having the luxury of land space and height space (presuming you did not have a problem with getting a permit from the govenrnment about building the ISH higher), why did you not consider to build it more space-consciously? There is hardly space for people to move around once the boundaries are set up for competitions and definitely no chair space for sitting so everybody has to stand. A man of your intellect did not stop to think of this problem?

Secondly,the new infrastructure being upgraded around the school although looks newer and is apparently better, I do not see any changes in our current problems. Rather, all the new buildings have spoilt the natural "chung cheng feel" that the school should be proud to have. With stairways linking everywhere now, the school looks like it is trying to imitate a drawbridge at every corner. There is no more "green roof top and dirty grey buildings" but all white washed and when put together with the grand auditorium that has been "preserved", does not match at all. In the first place, the lake and grad audi are places that the school preserve as part of an effort to conserve historical sights but after the thoughtless renovations, they look like objects left behind; forgotten to be renewed instead of infrastructure that we ought to be proud of. Seniors and past students step back into chung cheng with less and less motivation to even visit the school anymore because they cannot feel a sense of belonging or familiarity with anything here.

Also, the thoughtlessness does not end here. Our main problem in the school is rainy days and how places get flooded and there are not enough shelters. Rather than building linkages everywhere and treating students and teachers alike as unable to waste even a second of their own time to climb to a common linkage, why not build better shelters that would actually block out the rain and allow us to cross from building to building on the ground floor? I would really like to question the amount of money wasted unnecessarily.

Of course, money is the least of our problems because of our generous alumni (of which the chairman drives a Bentley) who constantly help our school raise funds or provide us with monetary means to better the school. The bigger problem is the hypocrisy and the ironic mentality that the school happens to adopt. Saving the environment. Three simple words that a school boasting of being awarded the School Excellence Award cannot even uphold. Ever since we have moved to the new makeshift canteen there has been no efforts (or none that I know of) to try and ease the use of Styrofoam plate, bowls and takeaway boxes. The utensils are made of plastic as well and although I would not like to condemn the canteen staff for being lazy to wash or even their excuses of being unable to find a place convenient enough for them to wash, there is really no other reason for a school of this prestigious background to make a mistake like that. The negative effects of using Styrofoam are huge and I'm sure an intelligent man like yourself can understand that by using google you can find about 1710000 articles about it and from there using your high intelligence, you can deduce that this is not a good long term solution. Also by simple mathematics, you can surely calculate that-all based on assumptions, (1800 students + 250 teachers and teaching staff) x (2 meals consisting of recess and lunch) x (5 days a week) = 20500 styrofoam utensils used a week. That is not counting that the canteen officially shifted during april so once again 20500 x 3 months = 61500 styrofoam used to harm the environment. These are figures that I seriously do not understand and they honestly pose a serious threat to our environment.

Lastly, on a more personal level I am not happy with the school's disciplinary means. What is this about getting in-house suspension on your first time being late? That is preposterous and sick. As principal of our school, your honestly expect students to waste their precious time sitting at the grand audi sweating their socks off and self-study instead of going to class and listening to important lessons that teachers spend a lot of time preparing?

I'm tired and I shall continue this letter next time lol. but im not done complaining, thats for sure!
A.